It’s gonna be a bad one
WHEN YOU SEE THIS ON YOUR WAY OUT THE DOOR IN THE MORNING
go back in and have another cup of coffee. It is probably not going to be a good day!
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October 3rd, 2007
October 2nd, 2007
The Joy of Womanhood
We started to “bud” in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John . Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary’s Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee’d our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar . Calm down and push. “Just one more good push” (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the % $#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that “cute” wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking,
jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their “Teen Years.” Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40’s - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday
So we progress into the grand finale: “The Menopause,” the Grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned “buds” or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks…
So, while I love being a woman, “Womanhood” would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the “weaker sex?” Yeah right. Bite me.
~Anonymous
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October 1st, 2007
Never underestimate a Cajun
A lawyer and a Cajun are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if the Cajun would like to play a fun game. The Cajun is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.
This catches the Cajun’s attention, and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from Earth to the moon?” The Cajun doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the Cajun’s turn. He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Cajun and hands him $500. The Cajun pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Cajun up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?” The Cajun reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep
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September 29th, 2007
Redneck Church
1. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if ..
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em.
3. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if ..
When the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if ..
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if…
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of” (Love it!)
6. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if ..
The choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.
7. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if ..
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if ..
People think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if ..
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized “Wheeling” washtub.
10. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.
11. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a ‘56 Chevy.
12. You Know You’re in a Redneck ! Church if …
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
The communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”.
15. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if…
“Thou shall not covet” applies to huntin’ dogs, too.
16. You know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
The final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, Ya hear”.
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September 28th, 2007
Best Smart Ass Answers Ever…
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. “What are my choices?” John asked. “Yes or no,” she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead”. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
AND! “THE SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006″
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
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September 27th, 2007
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called:
Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called:
Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called:
Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called:
Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”
The 5th kind of sex is called:
Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called:
Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called:
Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.
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September 26th, 2007
The State Employee
An Oklahoma Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, “I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.”
The old farmer said, “OK, but don’t go in that field.”
The Highways employee said, “I have the authority of the State of Oklahoma to go any where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land.”
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was madder than a wet hen and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step.
The old farmer called out, “Show him your card, smart ass!!”
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Ticked Off & Fed Up!
All of you rude people who were never taught manners by mommy & daddy or maybe you are just to self-centered to care, listen up.
Movie Etiquette Guide
Shoes
If you’ve ever been told that your feet stink, if you suspect your feet may stink, if you’ve even smelled stinky feet, leave your damn shoes on! It is very offensive to those around you but we won’t bother to ask who stinks, because you wouldn’t fess up anyway.
Candy wrappers
Listen, I understand that you feel it is best to slowly, slowly tear the package open during loud parts of the movie but has it ever occurred to you that the wrapper is only inches from the person in front of you? PLEASE, go ahead and open it all at once. However, after you open your M&M’s DO NOT shove your fat fingers into the package to get out each and every piece of candy. Just pour out a few in your chubby hand and then shove them into your mouth. Each time you jam your fat fingers into the package, the person in front of you is distracted.
Popcorn
There was a couple eating popcorn so loudly last week that I TRIED to eat popcorn with my mouth open and still couldn’t be as loud. I ended up moving to the other side of my husband instead of directly in front of them. All you have to do is chew with your mouth closed! Again, something mommy & daddy should have taught you.
Kids
Now that YOU are the mommy or daddy, teach your kids to STOP KICKING MY SEAT.
Talking
SHUT UP! Last night during the movie I found out from a couple 2 rows back that Randy’s girlfriend Jennifer was cheating on him with Mark while Randy was in Europe. Poor Randy was in Europe 4 days before Jennifer joined him and is still oblivious to her antics.
Also, if your friend, significant other or spouse really needs you to loudly explain the entire movie, maybe it is best that you wait for the DVD, is it really worth all that trouble? I am very guilty of leaning over to WHISPER something to my husband but I promise you, no one else around me can hear and I even hesitate to do that.
My Plea
I live by the golden rule, I have taught my children to live by the golden rule. Why can’t people be more aware of their surroundings and more considerate of others? How hard is it? I don’t want to give the impression that I have zero tolerance. Believe me, at least 2 of the above happens to us each time we go see a movie. I just can’t take it anymore! I want to have a good time and I want YOU to have a good time too but just think about the people around you and make an effort to be courteous.
If ya’ll don’t straighten up, I’m gonna start tazering bro’s!
The Solution?
Ok, now that I got that out of my system, what I am really looking for is a solution. In reality I would never address any one of these issues with the person. Well, that isn’t entirely true. I have been known to politely ’shhh’ someone but how do you all handle it? Do you move? What if the theater is crowded? Do you tolerate it? Anything would be of help. Until then, see you on the back row!
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September 25th, 2007
Universal Studios Hollywood
I have always wanted to go to Universal Studios! We paid extra for preferred parking because it was pouring rain!
I had pre-purchased the tickets online so we HAD to go. We were drenched before we even got to the gate. I had a hooded jacket but Robert did not so we stopped in the gift shop where the had the handy rain ponchos with hoods. We looked like dorks but we were dry!
Shrek 4-D
This was so fun! We were instructed to pick up glasses on our way into a theater. We were able to sit front row and center. I wasn’t sure what to expect so I feel this BAM and thought someone behind me had hit my seat very hard, I screamed and spun around and then realized that the movie was starting and it was part of the show!
Each time Donkey sneezed, water (I hope) sprayed out and hit us in the face. It was hilarious and we laughed all the way through the show.
Back Lot Tour
We both agreed that this was the best part of Universal Studios. Although we had to wait in line for 45 minutes, it was well worth it. It did stop raining while we were on the tour so that was nice.
We saw King Kong, The Bates Motel, lot’s of city streets made of styrofoam that looked so real, and so much more.
When we got to the Jaws set, I scared the entire tour by screaming bloody murder when Jaws surfaced right next to me. On the video you can hear roaring laughter I was pissed because I didn’t get a picture because I was screaming and I honestly almost reached for my inhaler! lol I also screamed when we were going thru the Jurassic Park set and one of those mean little dinosaurs jumped out right beside me. I guess I had the best seat on the trolley.
It rained off and on and finally stopped for the final time when we were inside the Terminator 2: 3-D which was great also!
When we exited the Terminator, there was a huge rainbow which we got a picture of. It is a cool picture because it looks like the rainbow is going into a huge coke bottle.
We were cold, wet and tired. I couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel and take a hot shower. We were sleeping by 10.
We got up on Sunday and drove up the coast along Pacific Coast Highway. It is always beautiful. We stopped at Laguna Beach to eat and shop at an outside art show.
I hated to head back to the valley but dammit, Robert just HAD to go to work. : )
Our pictures of Universal Studios can be seen here
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Our Queen Mary Experience
Our Anniversary is today! We celebrated early by going to Long Beach. I surprised Robert and booked a night aboard the Queen Mary. It was a very cool experience but honestly, I couldn’t wait to hit the Hyatt Regency the second night. : )
Our Cabin
We got an estate room that was 85% original. There was wood everywhere and it was beautiful. Robert discovered that the windows opened so he was leaning out taking a look. Meanwhile, I did my usual routine of inspecting the bathroom but I couldn’t find it. I told Robert that we didn’t have a bathroom so he took that opportunity to tease me, he laughed and said maybe there was a community bathroom somewhere. As I was cringing, I opened a door and found the bathroom. Whew! I then opened another door and saw another bedroom! We had a huge cabin! Oh, and yes, the bathroom was clean.
The View
I had requested a view of the harbor and we were able to get it. It was something to see the Long Beach skyline right out our window. I was a little nervous to look out the port hole at first but once I took a peek, I was fine.
Our Tour
We got settled into our cabin then decided to take a self guided tour. I kept thinking of all the history and what a grand ship this must have been in 1936. We walked around the sun deck and I could almost imagine myself back in time. Honestly, it was a bit spooky. It was a mildly cool night but it started raining on us so we went inside in search of food.
Our Dinner
We ate at the Promenade Cafe which was decorated in 40’s retro. They had Glenn Miller playing and again, I could imagine being there in 1936. Robert had a caesar salad with a side of fries. LOL and I had halibut with fries. The Cafe offered a harbor view also. We ate her the next morning and had a wonderful breakfast buffet!
Restless Night
I could not sleep at all, I should have taken my pillow. We had the windows open and it was just a bit warm. You know when it is just on the verge of being hot? I woke up about every hour. The Queen Mary is known to be haunted and I knew this but it never bothered me. Each time I woke up I found myself looking for ghostly images in our cabin. Never did see one : )
Shopping
On the Promenade Deck they have a few shops and I buy a magnet and postcard wherever we go. The gift shop Trans-Oceanic had the most delicate teacup & saucer sets that I have seen. I have wanted to start a collection for 6-7 years and Robert told me “what better time to start” so I got one. It is from 1967 (wonderful year!) and it was made in England for the City of Long Beach when it was purchased by the city.
We also stopped by the Scottish Heritage Center. We bought a book on our Mackintosh Clan and debated on some tinned haggis but passed : )
Day 2: On to Universal Studios
You can view all of our pictures here
